Something, something?

I kind of feel this pull towards something I am supposed to be doing. I always feel that way, but since Austin died, it has gotten stronger. Maybe its just the feeling that life is too short and too tragic to spend time doing stuff you dont enjoy, but I do feel there is something around the corner. I just need to be patient so I can figure out what it is. Unfortunately, patience is not my strong point. Its right up there with expressing my feelings. I have thrown around a lot of ideas about what that "something" is supposed to be. Sometimes that feeling is so strong I feel like the answer is right in front of me and I just need to reach out and grab it and other times I can not feel it at all and I feel like I am aimlessly drifting and a little lost. So if you have found my "something" could you let me know?

Back to School

Today is a sad day. Now, you are probably thinking to yourself that you are sensing a theme… But today would be a sad day for me in a year when my oldest son did not die. Today was the first day of school. I am extremely upset that our school board decided to start school the 12^th of August, but that is not why this is sad, nor can I complain about it anymore today. The first day of school is a time of turmoil for me. It is joyous to see kids excited to go back to school, to feel that this year might be good, to see new shoes and school supplies all lined up, but to me it is always depressing. It makes me realize how old my children are getting, how much I have not accomplished, how much I had planned on doing, how much I have failed in that plan and how much there is left to do with the realization that it will probably never get done. I realize that the little children that I rocked in my arms, that crawled around on my floors are growing up, that they need me less and less each year. My own feelings of inadequacy in preparing them for the real world set in as well, and make today extremely difficult.  There is the realization that at some point, my house will not be filled with children laughing; gone will be the days of them crawling up on my lap and snuggling in tight. And I am not ready for those days to be gone. I want to hang on, at least just a little bit longer. While I love the stages that they are at, it makes me sad that the littleness of them is gone. And I panic that I may not have done what needs to be done in order for them to be successful, well adjusted, well rounded adults. I feel the pressure of time beating like a heartbeat. Time passes too quickly and I need it to slow down. I feel as if I can’t keep up, it’s just moving too fast for me. And this year, is sadder still. It would have been difficult enough realizing Austin was an adult now and starting a completely new phase of his life, but it would have been filled with plans for college and life. Now there is just a gaping hole where all those plans used to be. There is no dorm room survival list, no college books to order, no planning and worry about how he will do away at college, no curiosity of where that journey will take him.  And that does not ease the pain of the day. 

Relax..No really, Relax.

It’s been a few weeks. Time seems to be passing, although nothing seems to change. I feel unable to express myself. I feel drugged, heavy minded, incoherent. There seems to be no time to feel. There are these moments of lucidity that hurt like hell. But the rest of the time, it’s just going through the motions - get up, go to work, take kids here, go there, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed, start over, try not to think of what was lost, why I am now doing things differently. There doesn’t seem to be time to let go enough to figure out how I feel, other than always knowing that I am carrying a huge boulder around in my heart.

I have always had trouble expressing myself, or talking about things that affect me. I tend to internalize things to the extreme. My massage therapist gets frequent visits because of the amount of tension I carry with me on a daily basis. I had been seeing a physical therapist for some knee problems. I previously saw her for the pinched nerve in my neck. She said to me, “It seems to me your real problem is that your muscles do not release the tension like they should.” I laughed and told her I think that described me perfectly.  My knee doctor says to me “Okay, relax your leg,” I say “It is relaxed.”  He says, “No, really relax your knee.” I tried to explain that this was as relaxed as it was gonna get, and he said, “Well, I think we found your real problem.” I don’t know how to release on a normal day.  And this is too great for me to even attempt. I cant “release” this. I cant let it go, I cant even tap into it. There is never enough time for me to break down because I cant just pick it back up and put it back together and go to work from there. In the mornings, while everyone is asleep, I sit in his room. And just sit. Trying to feel him yet avoid everything at the same time. Once I start to feel, I get up and get ready for work. Its really not a good way to start the day, but it doesn’t work better at bed time. And pretty much everything in between is filled with work or taking care of kids or the other thousand errands I need to do. I can not have a twenty minute cry and be over it. At some point this is going to come back and bite me. And I am ready for it when it does. Until then, its hard enough just to breathe.