Dear Blog,
Please quit nagging me. I know you are here. I know you are being neglected. I know the moments have passed and the words and their insightfulness have died while you were waiting for me.
In December, I was going to write about the tragedy in Connecticut. Even though every person on every soap box was also writing about it. I did not want to write from a political point of view, or even from a loss point of view. More of a simple statement, said with love. Which is get off our soapboxes and love. Make better people, not better rules. Then I decided the issue was too raw so I would write about family and loss during the holidays. Then it was a reflection on the year. Its major blissful events, and its turmoil, its losses, its abandonment. 2012 was a busy year. Engaged, starting a business, kids, work, getting married, going to Ireland, renewing great friendships and having ones end unexpectedly. Then it was a lengthy discussion of what a parent is supposed to do when a member of her bruised and broken and hurting family, tells her he does not want to live anymore. The tremendous pain and anguish, of knowing what is on the line, of being fearful that every day, maybe one of your amazing, brilliant, absolutely beautiful persons who you love more than anything in this world, may not wake up, because they chose not to.
But it was all too much. I used to wonder if people who went crazy knew they were going crazy. The answer, in my most humble opinion, is yes. They see it, they feel it, but there isn't anything they can do. Just as no matter how much you love someone and how much you want to fix everything for someone, you just cant make them do what you want. It is all still too much. Every day I work on trying to find purpose and energy and POSITIVENESS. Every single day I try. So the problem now, you see, is in order to be POSITIVE, I do not know how to balance the things that I need to write to you about. It causes me to avoid you like the plague (funny how people use that saying still today in 2013; I mean, really, the plague was over 600 years ago). I have always struggled with middle ground. Meaning I do not have one. I do not know how to balance.
So, you see, dear blog, it is not you, it is me. I hope to return to you soon, as I do so miss you.
Your's Truly,
Laura
