No Time for Grieving

These last few weeks have been so completely consumed by things to do that I feel completely beside myself. I have had to go back to work full time, which is a regular shift plus being on call. "On call" means I have to be available 24/7, but can work from where ever I am on what ever problem they are experiencing. My co-worker and I switch on-call responsibilities every week. He has been on call since the end of February (poor guy). It is my turn now that I am back full-time. Working 8 hours a day, plus being on call, plus running a thousand different places for my kids has taken its toll this week. The migraines (which I suffer normally from) have returned and are in full force. Apparently my reprieve has ended. What I find the hardest, is not that I can not go to work, not that I can not be moms taxi, not that I cant cook dinner or do the hundred million other things in life, but that I do not have time to grieve. I do not have time to think thoughts, or sort through memories. I do not have time to put away the pictures that have been sitting on my dining room table since March 1st. I do not have time to do the things that I need to do. Like take 10 minutes and cry loudly and uncontrollably. Like walk past his room and talk to him. Like write down how I feel and what I think. My mind is so busy worrying about what I have to do next, I cant seem to grasp the grief. What I find myself doing is sitting in my cube at work, realizing I have been zoning out for the last 20 minutes staring at something I struggle to care about, and then I cry. Silently at my desk, hoping no one will walk by and see me, praying that I will not make a noise. The experts say getting back into life is the best thing for me. I completely understand this line of reasoning. I don't know that I will ever be ready or feel that it is helpful. I don't know when I will ever get all this stuff done either. I feel stressed out all the time because I am trying to hold it together, because I have no other time to grieve. I have no time to cry, to let loose. There is work to do and things to get done.