Shards of hope.

Written May 7, 2014:

On my way to sunny Las Vegas for the annual conference for Arbonne. I am so very excited and humbled by this opportunity. It is not just the products, the company, or the motivation and inspiration. It is being surrounded by people who get it. Who understand. Who are content and happy and full of gratitude but still striving to do more, be more and to enjoy their path.
So many wonderful conversations with amazing individuals that I would have never had the opportunity to meet if not for Arbonne. But one reoccurring theme this week and today is allowing yourself to be you. Last year I had this amazing story about the the marine who felt he needed to meet me, because I was being myself in a sea of people who were not. I get caught up in this cycle too. I want to be everything and I want to be everything well.. It is an impossible task and I am unforgiving of myself. I have yet, still, to treat myself as a friend. Learning to be enough is the new challenge. But let's talk about what was just said...
I am not putting this out there for compliments or for comments but rather the idea that we all struggle with this. And we all need to get over ourselves already.
 When I look in the mirror I see a middle age woman who feels like a fake. I see unruly hair that is turning white. I see eyes with lots of lines, a nose that's too large and a crooked smile with crooked yellow teeth. I see excess weight and stretch marks everywhere. I see white pale skin with red blotches, thanks parents for those genes, and I see someone who will never be the same. I see a broken heart and scars that will never heal. I see every mistake ever made and every bad choice or wicked thought. I see imperfection, heartache and despair. But wait...what is that.. Right there in the corner of my imperfect eye...that small bit of twinkle, that tiny shard that still glows. It is HOPE. It lives still in all of us, even when we don't realize it. It's the quiet whisper that says "maybe you can".
I do not understand how the Laura I see and the Laura everyone else sees can be so different. Others talk about inner strength, beauty, charisma, love, magnetism and compassion. Perhaps they see who I wish I was? Perhaps they just don't see all of the dark webs, or perhaps that is all I can see.
How truly tired it is too carry around this much disgust for ones self. Vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open even though you have been hurt, is where true character and true strength come from. Not shutting everyone out, not hiding yourself away, but being able to say here are my flaws, but I am still worthy, I am still amazing and I am not perfect, but I am awesome. And I am worth your time. Allowing someone in when it would be so much less painful to keep them out is strength. Allowing your heart to be on your sleeve even though it gets stabbed repeatedly is courage. Telling someone you care for them, and taking a risk, is worth it. It is not weakness, but faith and caring. My point is that we are all so similar.. We do not see all the good things about ourselves. We do. Not allow a imperfection. But we do not expect that from others, how can we expect it from ourselves. Be who you are, hot mess and all. You will find a greater peace and reconcile the two opinion ions of yourself.


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