Awhile ago I was involved in a conversation about texting while
driving. This is a huge debate and not really what I want to write about. I
really try not to look at my phone while I drive. I try even harder when my
kids are with me knowing they are watching what I am doing every minute, even
if neither of us realize it. The conversation was offensive to me though
because of the thoughtlessness of someone who knows me well enough to know how
much I suffer, but apparently doesn’t pay as much attention as I would to them.
It was offensive because I never take people getting preachy with me well,
especially when I am agreeing with them, but they aren’t really listening. So
when I said “I try really hard not to text or do anything like that” it
apparently meant “I text all the time without regard for anyone” and then even
though I was trying to say I agreed with her, she kept talking and talking
about it and every time I tried to explain myself it just ended up sounding as
if I was backtracking, even though I really wasn’t. I really hate conversations
like this. I end up overly frustrated and for no reason. But then she said to
me, rather passively “I mean, really, could you imagine if you were the cause
of your own children’s death?” I just
looked at her and ended the conversation. What I really wanted to do was punch
her in the face and scream at her. A younger Laura would have. I wanted to
scream “Really? You are asking me this? Yes, I can imagine what it would
be like to feel responsible for your child’s death. I can imagine my heart
being ripped from my chest, put in a blender and stuffed back in so that it can
ache. I can imagine the feeling that you could have done something to
prevent such a tragedy but didn’t. I can
imagine them laying there lifeless knowing there is nothing you can do to help
them. No matter how much you love them, no matter how hard you want, you can’t
do anything. I can imagine that. I can
imagine the horror in which has become daily existence. I can imagine the self loathing
one would feel. I can imagine a loss so great, you will never be the same again.
The question is can you!?” This is the edited version of course, as in real life if
I were to scream this there would be a lot more expletives. I don’t know how to
make people not be stupid with what they say. If anyone has any advice on that
one, please let me know. I know the answer is really that we cannot control
what other people do, only our reaction to it. But sometimes that is not enough
to quiet my mind.
I don't have advice, but I have a question from the other perspective. Recently a coworker asked me for advice. A mutual coworker came into her office while she was hard at work. Mutual was fretting about something trivial at the end of the day. "Should I do this.. should I do that..." and she playfully said, "I dunno, I'm not your mommy. Make a decision!" Instantly, coworker #1 remembered that this woman's mother had passed away last year.
ReplyDeleteSo, she came to me for advice. A few weeks had passed and she'd been beating herself up about it. She asked, "Should I apologize now? Or, would that be worse to bring it up again & open an old wound?" I didn't know what to say. I'm sure the mutual coworker knew that she wasn't being deliberately hurtful. But I generally don't advise people to apologize or confess to something to ease their own conscience when it will hurt the other person. I gave her no advice at all and told her to ask a third coworker b/c she has a close relationship with both of them & would have a better sense of how to handle it.
I remember back in high school (loong time ago!) I was on a bus with one of the Wesson twins and we were bantering back & forth about something or another. I said in my best Andrew Dice Clay impression (it was a long time ago!) "Yeah, ya mother's a whore. Did I ever tell ya that one? Huh?" and I instantly remembered that his mother had passed away. He said nothing, our banter stopped, and I don't remember how I handled it after that, but I felt horrible. I still think about it, and I still feel bad about it b/c it was so stupid. Laura, I was 16 years old. More years have passed than I had lived at that time. I will never forget b/c I knew I had hurt someone unintentionally and I never want to forget how horrible that feels b/c I don't want to make that mistake ever again.
I apologize for making my comment as long as your original post. I just want to say that sometimes saying nothing will speak volumes to the other person. I don't know if your friend realized after the fact that she'd said something stupid. All I can tell you is that I made a similarly stupid comment 22 years ago on a school bus and I still feel bad about it. And I have no idea if my coworker should have apologized or not. But really, silence speaks volumes sometimes.
Kathleen, I think we have all been on that bus. And I think that is what bothered me about this situation the most. I have had people say really stupid things to me, and I can see them catch themselves and mentally slap themselves in the head. I try to make a joke at that point and make them understand that its ok. People are still going to say stupid things, and most of the time I don't want them to act any differently around me. People are human, and I get that. I try to be understanding, especially when I see the humiliation in their eyes that they may have caused me pain. I have been on the other side of that more times than I care to admit. Even recently, when at a funeral I told the deceased grandson how good and happy he looked. Yeah, that was smart! What bothered me most about this situation, was the total lack of understanding, the total preachiness in which this was delivered without any regard to what I may have been feeling or even what she was saying. Thank you for reminding me, though, to be as understanding of other people, as I expect them to be of me! xo
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