Callings

Life is a funny thing. Grief even more ridiculous. You will be driving along, singing a song, feeling like today might be good for something and enjoying the sunshine and then a memory flashes across your brain; sabotaging your momentary happiness. The image of cop cars surrounding your son’s fathers home, confirming what you refuse to believe. The lifeless body of your first born child drills through the sun and crushes you all over again in an instant. Images and past conversations run through your head at the sound of someone’s voice. There are constant attacks of brutal images and feelings on your soul. It is often the times you least expect that to occur that it hits you the hardest. We (my family) are trying. We are trying to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in. We are immersing ourselves in life and trying to live.
However, it exhausts me. I am exhausted. It has been a whirlwind 5 months already this year, with task after task needing to be completed. Work is absolutely crazy. There is so much piled on my plate right now, I am positive it will break. And it becomes more and more apparent that I am not the same. I cannot handle the same things, nor do I want to. It doesn’t matter But, I seem to be unable to step off the ride, make things simpler. My job is nuts. I know, in the way of someone who has lived through trauma, I am not where I am supposed to be. When things like this happen to you, you realize what is important. And if you were unhappy with something before the tragedy, you certainly will not be happy with it afterwards. This is not what I am supposed to be doing.
The question that I cannot answer is what is it that I am supposed to be doing? I feel this pull towards something, and the push from the other side. But I cannot identify where I am supposed to go so that I may work towards it. For the first time in my personal life I do not feel like running away, I know I am where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with. I do not long for something greater, because there is nothing greater than what I have. But my professional life is something different. So I sit and think for hours if I could be anything, what would it be? And I cannot answer it. Something creative and something I have a passion for is all I can come up with. And all of the things I think of sound not so bad, but it is not “it.” What would you do if you could do anything?