It has been so long since a post has made it from mind to computer to publishing, I feel like today is my first day posting. I apologize for my time away. I have probably a dozen articles half written. I am sure they will make it here eventually, and even if the time line is off, I hope you will understand. And if you don't, that's okay with me too. Time seems to be accelerating and fast forwarding itself so much, I feel as if I do not have time to finish writing. To put things in perspective. To dig through the pain to form words. To feel.
I have made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Mostly on auto pilot with a lot of tears, frustration, pain and confusion. I am not sure there is really anything else I can say about that. It was just less. Less joyous, less fun, less heartfelt, less... everything. A lot of time gets spent avoiding the large void in the room. I try to skirt around it, as to not acknowledge it, for fear it will suck me in entirely. Christmas is no different. Another day. One less stocking to hang, one less person to enjoy, but all the while there is this horrendous vortex swirling through my life trying to make eye contact with me, trying to make me engage with it, all the while I refuse it.
The year is ending and I am happy it is. But I am afraid to let it go as well. I am afraid of what 2012 will bring. I am afraid it could be worse. And everyday without my son takes me both closer to him and further away. Its agonizing. I have done what has been asked of me this year. I have come to work, I have done extra projects this year, I have fulfilled my obligations, I have suffered through the "firsts." I have pretended through birthdays, holidays, vacations and every day life. I am tired, but there is no end.
But really, all I wanted to say was "Merry Christmas & Happy New Year"
