It has been an emotional month with getting married to this most perfect (for me) man and having a dream honeymoon to follow. Lots of love and emotion flowing, with an undercurrent of loss. Noticing there is someone missing at every major event does not come easy and without heartache even in the most joyous of occasions. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind there is a young mom screaming at me wondering where he is, how he would look and how he would be reacting. There is an old, tired mom telling her to shut up, for she can not take the screaming nor the pain. We are back to reality after a blissful honeymoon, which has been a very harsh adjustment. Trying to hold on to the strings of joy and happiness in a fast paced life is difficult. It seems as if people really try to rip that from you. Not wanting to let go of those good positive feelings but yet adjusting to everyday life again has been a challenge.
I have lived in or near a college town since I was 14. When I was young, it was cool, a little older - it was a place to party, yet older still - it was an annoyance to deal with people in MY town and now I just avoid that side of town. Its inconvenient with the masses of students and traffic it brings, but I have learned when to avoid certain areas. I really have never given it much thought, until yesterday. I drove to get some Jimmy John's for lunch (they are so freaky fast, but they don't deliver across town to my office!). I had a couple of stops to make, so the route took me through the campus area. I was, for once, enjoying my drive, thinking what a beautiful fall day it was. How even though this campus has been named one of the most dangerous now, it is still a small town, nice campus, where girls and boys (who look younger every year) can walk to classes in general safety and enjoy such a fine day with the leaves changing and falling and the crisp air in their lungs. And then it hit me. Like a Mack truck running me down like something out of Maximum Overdrive. My son would have been one of these kids. Not this campus, not this town, but he would have been one of them. I looked for the young men in hoodies and earbuds, slouching down the sidewalk without worry. I looked at every face I passed as the tears rolled down my face. I looked for him, knowing I would never find him. Not on this campus or any other. He would not feel the crisp fall air on his face. He would not have a conversation with the pretty girl walking next to him. He would not attend class, or graduate. Or go to keggers, or be part of a fraternity, or be part of anything but our hearts & memories. I had to pull over in the parking lot of the bookstore (where I worked when I was 15), where I bawled like a crazy person. I miss him so very much. Every day I can go through the motions. I can feel joy and pain, happiness and loss now. But I miss him with every breath. I feel robbed of my time with him and I feel so very sad that he did not get to experience these things. I feel differently about everything. But mostly, I just feel loss now, more than anything. Just a hole in my heart that will never heal. Wondering and searching, but never finding.
I do think that day changed my view of the campus. In the future, instead of being annoyed by these rowdy kids taking over MY town, I shall try to welcome them, smile at them and not be angry at their youth and ignorance (for I am not any more wise). They are far away from home, in new places with new faces, scared and excited about the future. I would want someone to do that for my son, so I shall try to do it for someone else's.
