Honestly, I have no words. I have nothing new to contribute or even say. I tried to write a poem to read tonight as we released balloons in my son's honor. He would have been 20 today. But no words came. I posted words that were inadequate on Facebook. I sat and stared blankly at the screen waiting for some poetic words to come to mind to share with friends tonight. I sat and stared while trying to write something meaningful here today. I am spent. I have nothing. There are no words of encouragement, no words of regret, no words of sorrow, no words of understanding. There is just nothingness.
I scanned pictures to Facebook of birthdays past. We only got to share 17 of them. I looked at his smiling face, searching in his eyes for when something changed. I looked for demons, I looked for sadness, and I looked for answers I knew I would not find. And I was right. I found nothing but the beautiful face of my son. I felt anger for things I would never get to know. Things that I must know, but can not. I watched us sing happy birthday to him and heard his beautiful laugh and saw his smiling face. And for just a moment, it was as if he was here, and never had gone. But then he blew out the candles and the picture went dark. Never had there been a better scene. No director could have timed it so perfectly, no writer could have written it better. In one moment, we went from happy, joyous moments of smiling people and love filling the room to utter darkness.
