Hopeful?

On the never ending search for my “purpose”, (insert funny “The Jerk” reference here) I have been praying. A lot. Trying to hear what it is that I am supposed to be doing. Trying to figure out what path I am supposed to take spiritually, emotionally and financially to get me to where I am supposed to be.

Let me start by saying I am not what you would call inspirable. I do not see other people doing something and think – I can do that too. That is not me. I do not want to run a 5K just to say I can, or climb Mt Everest because some other person did. I am intrigued by what inspires people, or what drives them to go on, even in the face of adversity, but I am not inspired by them. This is a new concept to me. I am a realist (often referred to as negative). Realists do not generally get inspired easily.

I tend to be a bit obsessive and sometimes drive myself crazy. Sometimes I have to just shelve ideas as I cannot think about them anymore without making myself crazy and annoying those around me. Just about the time I shelved the idea of a new path in order to save my sanity, or what is left of it at least, I had lunch with a friend. I met this remarkable person a couple years ago and we became friends. She presented me with an opportunity that spoke to me. It would not leave me. The possibilities of success and freedom from my 9-5 excited me in a way that I was afraid were gone for good. The possibility of movement from my current position to something new keeps the negativity at bay. Moving in a good direction, instead of just being miserable where I am whispered to me when I said no to the idea. Now, just moving in itself is not always good. I have analyzed, rationalized and thought thoroughly through this plan.

But, I decided to listen. For once in my life, throw away the naysayers, the negativity, the “security” and just listen. To actually think I could just allow myself to be happy. To think positively. What’s the worst that could happen if I tried? I fail? I have failed at a lot of things I was sure of, why was this so bad? And failure isn’t so bad. I feel like at least I can say I tried then, that I would know it wasn’t right. But I have this feeling in my gut that this opportunity is going to take me far. Not necessarily that this is THE thing, but that it will take me on the right journey. That through this I will discover that thing, or it will at least open another door that will take me closer.  Maybe I need to listen with an open heart, and an open mind, and be less skeptical and I might make the right move. This is so very scary to me. I am based in security. I am a naysayer. I am too critical. And here I am saying to hell with it, throwing caution to the wind, not caring what someone might think and giving it a chance. It’s very liberating!

The one thing my friend said to me that stuck in my head and will until I die is “Who am I to say I can’t do something?” I don’t think she even realized the significance of what she said. But I did and it will not leave me. It makes me question why I think I know so much. Why I think that I am in control? Has it not been proved to me that I am not? Who am I to question what God has in store for me? Who am I to tell him I don’t think I can do something He has granted me the possibility of doing? I cannot even put into words what this statement says to me, but I can feel it. It inspires me in a way I have never been inspired before.  It feels good to feel confident that the path you are about to embark on is the one you are supposed to be on. Not necessarily that it will be easy or triumphant, but that you are one step closer.

Maybe it’s just the change of doing something new, something with potential that is fun and energizes me. Either way, it feels ok. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t scary though. I continuously wait for the other shoe to fall. And crush me. Not in the way of the little bumps in the road knock you down, but the huge life altering ones that gut you and leave you on the side of the road paralyzed, writhing in pain and fear. I don’t expect people to understand, at least most people. Not unless they have gone through life altering traumas. But I am excited about the possibility of a re-invented life! I just hope I can keep up some positivity. But for today, being hopeful and excited about the future is good enough for me. 

Lyrics

"For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness" ~ Reba McEntire




I love music. I can not carry a tune, but I know what I like. I have a very eclectic taste and while I love nonsense music, I really love the music that moves me. The kind that makes me cry, makes me listen over and over again, makes me think that it was written by me or for me, makes me appreciate all the artistic talents that culminated to express something I could not or have not been able to before. The music that touches me, is soulful and real. That's my favorite. It always amazes me how I will sing along with the lyrics of some random song and realize that I have never really listened to it. And I am ashamed because it is powerful and it should be heard! This occurred the other day while on my way home while listening to Nikki Sixx's "Accidents Can Happen." I was going to post the lyrics, but as I am not sure of the laws of copyright infringement and knowing he has a lot more money than me to fight that battle, I will not challenge him. You may look it up on your own. I think people should listen to it and hear these words.


I'm a big fan of Nikki Sixx. I loved him back in the day, when I was too young to love a rock star, and through the years my adoration has changed and morphed, sometimes wondering why I do not listen to more of his music, sometimes sickened by the rock star life and sometimes wondering why I do not listen to more of his music. After reading the Heroin Diaries I was in again. I identified with him in a way I wouldn't have thought possible. I think it made him more human. The pain and suffering when he seemingly had so much, made him real. I am sure many people feel this way, especially after reading his books. I, in no way suffer any delusions, I do not think we will meet and become friends, nor am I sure I would like him now. He is no longer my type as a romantic interest, no longer the idol of my youth. Don't get me wrong, I still think he is great, but its because I find him a fascinating, unique and intriguing individual and appreciate his music, talent and attitude. I have never been addicted to narcotics. I have never walked his walk. Or the walk of many like him, from all facets of life. But what I do identify with is the brokenness, the shame and the pain. 


What I found most touching to me on this day was the honesty and love that this song portrays. It speaks volumes, not only to addicts, but to anyone suffering. There is no one who has suffered through a problem, tragedy or addiction who hasn't needed to know they are not alone and they will continue to be loved. That they can start again tomorrow and do not have to throw everything they worked so hard for down the drain. That they have not failed, only stumbled. And that everyone, and I do mean everyone, stumbles. Everyone falls. But there are those who are there to help you up, to remind you that it will be ok again. To hug you when you need it, even if you don't want to ask for it, or even acknowledge that you need someone to tell you its ok. Especially from someone who has been in your shoes. I know I needed to hear it that day. And it reminded me to make sure I share that with the people I love and the lives I touch. Even after everything that has happened in the last few years, I still need reminders. 


We forget that the [insert disaster] will pass. This may be the most important thing for us to keep in front of us. I do not know what went through my son's mind in the moments before his death. I will forever agonize over this lack of knowledge. And I will forever be tormented by wondering if I had called at that moment and reminded him that stuff happens but it will be ok, that this too shall pass, would have meant he was here today. 


You just can't give up. I need to be reminded of this too, as you can see.