Can you imagine?

Awhile ago I was involved in a conversation about texting while driving. This is a huge debate and not really what I want to write about. I really try not to look at my phone while I drive. I try even harder when my kids are with me knowing they are watching what I am doing every minute, even if neither of us realize it. The conversation was offensive to me though because of the thoughtlessness of someone who knows me well enough to know how much I suffer, but apparently doesn’t pay as much attention as I would to them. It was offensive because I never take people getting preachy with me well, especially when I am agreeing with them, but they aren’t really listening. So when I said “I try really hard not to text or do anything like that” it apparently meant “I text all the time without regard for anyone” and then even though I was trying to say I agreed with her, she kept talking and talking about it and every time I tried to explain myself it just ended up sounding as if I was backtracking, even though I really wasn’t. I really hate conversations like this. I end up overly frustrated and for no reason. But then she said to me, rather passively “I mean, really, could you imagine if you were the cause of your own children’s death?”  I just looked at her and ended the conversation. What I really wanted to do was punch her in the face and scream at her. A younger Laura would have. I wanted to scream “Really? You are asking me this? Yes, I can imagine what it would be like to feel responsible for your child’s death. I can imagine my heart being ripped from my chest, put in a blender and stuffed back in so that it can ache. I can imagine the feeling that you could have done something to prevent such a tragedy but didn’t.  I can imagine them laying there lifeless knowing there is nothing you can do to help them. No matter how much you love them, no matter how hard you want, you can’t do anything. I can imagine that. I can imagine the horror in which has become daily existence. I can imagine the self loathing one would feel. I can imagine a loss so great, you will never be the same again. The question is can you!?” This is the edited version of course, as in real life if I were to scream this there would be a lot more expletives. I don’t know how to make people not be stupid with what they say. If anyone has any advice on that one, please let me know. I know the answer is really that we cannot control what other people do, only our reaction to it. But sometimes that is not enough to quiet my mind. 

Callings

Life is a funny thing. Grief even more ridiculous. You will be driving along, singing a song, feeling like today might be good for something and enjoying the sunshine and then a memory flashes across your brain; sabotaging your momentary happiness. The image of cop cars surrounding your son’s fathers home, confirming what you refuse to believe. The lifeless body of your first born child drills through the sun and crushes you all over again in an instant. Images and past conversations run through your head at the sound of someone’s voice. There are constant attacks of brutal images and feelings on your soul. It is often the times you least expect that to occur that it hits you the hardest. We (my family) are trying. We are trying to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in. We are immersing ourselves in life and trying to live.
However, it exhausts me. I am exhausted. It has been a whirlwind 5 months already this year, with task after task needing to be completed. Work is absolutely crazy. There is so much piled on my plate right now, I am positive it will break. And it becomes more and more apparent that I am not the same. I cannot handle the same things, nor do I want to. It doesn’t matter But, I seem to be unable to step off the ride, make things simpler. My job is nuts. I know, in the way of someone who has lived through trauma, I am not where I am supposed to be. When things like this happen to you, you realize what is important. And if you were unhappy with something before the tragedy, you certainly will not be happy with it afterwards. This is not what I am supposed to be doing.
The question that I cannot answer is what is it that I am supposed to be doing? I feel this pull towards something, and the push from the other side. But I cannot identify where I am supposed to go so that I may work towards it. For the first time in my personal life I do not feel like running away, I know I am where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with. I do not long for something greater, because there is nothing greater than what I have. But my professional life is something different. So I sit and think for hours if I could be anything, what would it be? And I cannot answer it. Something creative and something I have a passion for is all I can come up with. And all of the things I think of sound not so bad, but it is not “it.” What would you do if you could do anything?