I was asked recently for advice on how to cope with grief. How to rationalize and make it stop hurting so much after x amount of time. This was a very personal conversation and I wish to not take away from it. But it made me think of the things I wish someone had said to me. This may not flow as well as it should, given it was a response to specific questions/situations, but I think you can follow along. It made me think maybe someone else needed to hear it... so here it is, paraphrased and edited for privacy.
Ok, so first of all - You are not crazy. So stop worrying about that. Grief makes us think we are. It is a raw emotion.
Unfortunately, 3 1/2 years later, I still don't have a good answer for you on how to cope, or how to get through. I cope, just one day at a time... I go days and can muster through, sometimes there are really good days and then other times, I can't get out of bed. I cry and wail and scream and hate and cry and love and am a huge disaster. A huge ugly ball of mess. I search for meaning in everything. But, it's all part of it. You can't love someone so entirely, have them mean so very much and then just one day be ok with them being gone, being out of your life. They were too important, too special, too meaningful for it to be easy and pretty.
Honestly, I can't believe that there isn't a heaven. There is. There is a connection between the worlds. It is real. Dreams where we get to see our loved one again and they tell us something meaningful can mean two things - either they are speaking to you directly, telling you exactly all of the things you hear them saying in your dream, or you are telling yourself those things, because it was all the things you know in your heart that person would be saying to you. Either way, its their voice. Don't belittle it. It was meant to comfort you. Embrace that. But every time we "feel" the presence of someone that has left, it leaves us wanting more, and it makes us (or me anyway) go through the loss a little bit again. I am grateful for the time, but its so bittersweet.
Grief does not have a definite beginning and end date. It is a lifetime process. It never goes away, unfortunately. I truly believe that our loved ones go to a better place. One without suffering or pain. But that doesn't make us miss them any less. It doesn't fill the void they left behind. It doesn't stop the hurt.
In times of turmoil, we think of the person we are missing even more. But the truth is, our futures are always uncertain. That doesn't change, just our perception of it does. The only way I have survived is to keep breathing. Even when the air in my lungs hurts. Even when it stabs my chest. It is the only requirement. Give it 24 hours.. and then another and then another. Until it doesn't hurt so much. And forgive yourself for whatever it is that you think you shouldn't forgive yourself for. You are doing a wonderful job being you. You are amazing. And it is ok to cry and be a wreck. And then you pick yourself back up and try again. Sometimes through vulnerability we build strength.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Shards of hope.
Written May 7, 2014:
On my way to sunny Las Vegas for the annual conference for Arbonne. I am so very excited and humbled by this opportunity. It is not just the products, the company, or the motivation and inspiration. It is being surrounded by people who get it. Who understand. Who are content and happy and full of gratitude but still striving to do more, be more and to enjoy their path.
So many wonderful conversations with amazing individuals that I would have never had the opportunity to meet if not for Arbonne. But one reoccurring theme this week and today is allowing yourself to be you. Last year I had this amazing story about the the marine who felt he needed to meet me, because I was being myself in a sea of people who were not. I get caught up in this cycle too. I want to be everything and I want to be everything well.. It is an impossible task and I am unforgiving of myself. I have yet, still, to treat myself as a friend. Learning to be enough is the new challenge. But let's talk about what was just said...
I am not putting this out there for compliments or for comments but rather the idea that we all struggle with this. And we all need to get over ourselves already.
When I look in the mirror I see a middle age woman who feels like a fake. I see unruly hair that is turning white. I see eyes with lots of lines, a nose that's too large and a crooked smile with crooked yellow teeth. I see excess weight and stretch marks everywhere. I see white pale skin with red blotches, thanks parents for those genes, and I see someone who will never be the same. I see a broken heart and scars that will never heal. I see every mistake ever made and every bad choice or wicked thought. I see imperfection, heartache and despair. But wait...what is that.. Right there in the corner of my imperfect eye...that small bit of twinkle, that tiny shard that still glows. It is HOPE. It lives still in all of us, even when we don't realize it. It's the quiet whisper that says "maybe you can".
I do not understand how the Laura I see and the Laura everyone else sees can be so different. Others talk about inner strength, beauty, charisma, love, magnetism and compassion. Perhaps they see who I wish I was? Perhaps they just don't see all of the dark webs, or perhaps that is all I can see.
How truly tired it is too carry around this much disgust for ones self. Vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open even though you have been hurt, is where true character and true strength come from. Not shutting everyone out, not hiding yourself away, but being able to say here are my flaws, but I am still worthy, I am still amazing and I am not perfect, but I am awesome. And I am worth your time. Allowing someone in when it would be so much less painful to keep them out is strength. Allowing your heart to be on your sleeve even though it gets stabbed repeatedly is courage. Telling someone you care for them, and taking a risk, is worth it. It is not weakness, but faith and caring. My point is that we are all so similar.. We do not see all the good things about ourselves. We do. Not allow a imperfection. But we do not expect that from others, how can we expect it from ourselves. Be who you are, hot mess and all. You will find a greater peace and reconcile the two opinion ions of yourself.
Sent from my iPad
On my way to sunny Las Vegas for the annual conference for Arbonne. I am so very excited and humbled by this opportunity. It is not just the products, the company, or the motivation and inspiration. It is being surrounded by people who get it. Who understand. Who are content and happy and full of gratitude but still striving to do more, be more and to enjoy their path.
So many wonderful conversations with amazing individuals that I would have never had the opportunity to meet if not for Arbonne. But one reoccurring theme this week and today is allowing yourself to be you. Last year I had this amazing story about the the marine who felt he needed to meet me, because I was being myself in a sea of people who were not. I get caught up in this cycle too. I want to be everything and I want to be everything well.. It is an impossible task and I am unforgiving of myself. I have yet, still, to treat myself as a friend. Learning to be enough is the new challenge. But let's talk about what was just said...
I am not putting this out there for compliments or for comments but rather the idea that we all struggle with this. And we all need to get over ourselves already.
When I look in the mirror I see a middle age woman who feels like a fake. I see unruly hair that is turning white. I see eyes with lots of lines, a nose that's too large and a crooked smile with crooked yellow teeth. I see excess weight and stretch marks everywhere. I see white pale skin with red blotches, thanks parents for those genes, and I see someone who will never be the same. I see a broken heart and scars that will never heal. I see every mistake ever made and every bad choice or wicked thought. I see imperfection, heartache and despair. But wait...what is that.. Right there in the corner of my imperfect eye...that small bit of twinkle, that tiny shard that still glows. It is HOPE. It lives still in all of us, even when we don't realize it. It's the quiet whisper that says "maybe you can".
I do not understand how the Laura I see and the Laura everyone else sees can be so different. Others talk about inner strength, beauty, charisma, love, magnetism and compassion. Perhaps they see who I wish I was? Perhaps they just don't see all of the dark webs, or perhaps that is all I can see.
How truly tired it is too carry around this much disgust for ones self. Vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open even though you have been hurt, is where true character and true strength come from. Not shutting everyone out, not hiding yourself away, but being able to say here are my flaws, but I am still worthy, I am still amazing and I am not perfect, but I am awesome. And I am worth your time. Allowing someone in when it would be so much less painful to keep them out is strength. Allowing your heart to be on your sleeve even though it gets stabbed repeatedly is courage. Telling someone you care for them, and taking a risk, is worth it. It is not weakness, but faith and caring. My point is that we are all so similar.. We do not see all the good things about ourselves. We do. Not allow a imperfection. But we do not expect that from others, how can we expect it from ourselves. Be who you are, hot mess and all. You will find a greater peace and reconcile the two opinion ions of yourself.
Sent from my iPad
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