I have been concerned with my last two posts. That they really didn't seem to fit my writing style. Then I realized I don't really have a writing style. I write in the same fashion in which I live. All over the place. Not that I live in multiple locations, but that I am all over the board. I think someone who really knew me well would be hard pressed to describe me. I am sensitive and heartless, I am funny and serious, I am both angelic and devilish, I am crazy and rational, I am, well.. all of those probably sum it up. It makes me the unique individual I am, so I am going to try not to apologize for that.
This has been a rough couple weeks and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Of course I know there will never be an end. People tell me that it will get easier, but I don't really believe them. Nor am I sure that it should. The way that I love my son, all of my children, the impact he had on my life, the difference he made in this world are not things that should be shed lightly. I feel as if most days I am able to function, now. But not usually for the entire day. I get frustrated when people think I am strong or okay, because I am not. I am just breathing. I am just going through the motions, hoping one day it doesn't hurt quite so much.
When my oldest son was in 5th grade, we moved to a different town. I still live in that town. When his dad and I divorced, he moved to the town we were originally from. During his sophomore year, Austin decided he wanted to go back to that school, especially to play football. It was a very hard thing for me to take, thinking he wouldn't be going to school in the town that I lived in, I was his mom, etc, etc. But I felt that it was right for him and let him go. We still saw each other every other day at least, well, at least until he got his drivers license and sometimes needed to stay a couple days away. We had a large fight the beginning of his senior year, typical stuff that I will forever regret. A lot of this plays into the guilt I have as a mother, and a lot of the anger I hold. It just didn't have to be like that. But that is not what this post is about, so I will move on.
The 15th was high school graduation for the town where I live. I have become very close with a lot of the students in the senior class. They were his friends, all through middle school and half of high school. I felt I should go to see them graduate. Maybe to help prepare myself for what was to come. I thought it would be easier to handle as I knew he would not have graduated with this group of kids anyway. But as I watched them cross the stage, I realized how much all of them had been a part of Austins life. How I had watched them transcend from annoying little fifth graders into the young men and women crossing the stage, many of whom I feel blessed to know. I was very proud of them, but I ached for the things they would do that my son would not. I ached for the loss of life that should not have occurred. I cried rivers because they got to go on to the next phase of their lives, they got to step up on their stage and make their parents proud. Their parents received their sense of accomplishment knowing they raised their child. My heart broke knowing I will never feel that sense of accomplishment with my first born child. I will not know that all that we went through was worth it, and that he became a great man. I will not know success in knowing I did the best I could to prepare him for life. It is just another part of my life I was unable to finish.
Last night we gave out a scholarship to my "insert word here". She is like my daughter. I have loved her from day one. We are not related, I am not a godparent, I am a close family friend. But none of that sums up what I feel for her. Someday, on a laughter day, we will make up a word. I would take her in or help her if she ever needed it without hesitation. But she wont need it. She is an amazing person that I thank God for letting me know. Standing before the crowd last night I was glad to have something to pass on to her, in memory of Austin. With her, she will take him with her wherever she goes. She was his very first friend. But it was hard. It was hard to know that I am not the one sitting in the audience watching my son collect an award. We will give out another one tonight to a dear childhood friend of Austins. And Sunday is his graduation. We will accept his diploma on his behalf because he cant be here. Its alot for one week. I hope I can make it through. I am already struggling.
But its really after graduation that is starting to concern me. What then? Everybody just moves on with their life. There is nothing more to do, no more ways to honor him in the community (I know there are ways, but hear me out). And part of me being able to function is knowing there are things to do, that we have upcoming events that I have to make it though. When those are over, then what? Whats going to keep me moving along then? Brandon and Carissa will. Kevin will. But there will still be that deep pain, that gut wrenching fear, that panic, that emptiness and loss. Everyone else gets to move forward, but all of that stuff just stays with me. I really don't get that option. And that really pisses me off.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
anger: noun
1: a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
2: rage
pain: noun \ˈpān\
Monday, May 9, 2011
Snippets
Last week we went to Florida. We did six parks and the beach while we were there. It was rewarding and exhausting. We had planned this trip for five in January. Only four of us made the trip. It was necessary for us to go as our younger children never questioned whether or not we would. It was time we needed to have new experiences and bond again as a family. It was extremely painful.
In a land that is built on imagination and ideas, where everything is made to look like a book, a movie, or an idea. It took me by surprise that I would find everything there so much more surreal. That life is wacky and crazy and twists and turns and is not what you expect. But there, it is safe. In real life, not so much. Existing in the imagination world when life already feels like make believe, in an imminent doom sort of way, really messed with my head. So much so that I am not sure I can write about it well. So I am choosing to do one to two sentence snippets to describe what I saw and what I felt. I reserve the right to revisit one of these thoughts at a later date. I hope you understand.
The enjoyment of being away from home.
Standing on a beach, looking at the vastness of the ocean. Feeling small and insignificant.
Watching my children’s eyes light up with joy and fascination at silliest of things.
Being able to be silly and laugh.
Wondering how a 4000 lb mammal can reach such high speeds and fly out of the water.
The amazement at all the animals God has put on this Earth and how they are instinctive by nature.
The adoration I feel for my children when I look at their faces.
The exhaustion at the end of the day.
The hope that I wont forget a single moment.
The respect and amazement at the amount of work that is put into a cartoon.
The repulsion from overhearing the way people speak to one another.
The thrill that I still feel in the pit of my stomach.
The sadness that devours my smile.
Standing at It’s a Small World and feeling like an alien, not only among the characters but among the humans.
Fascinated with the details that people put into their work for the delight of others.
The exhaustion that occurs while trying not to cry.
The pain and relief that come with the tears.
Impressed with how many times I can say no without freaking out.
Admiration for the ease in which children make new friends.
Trying to squelch the panic that forms around my heart and in my stomach as I watch my children play in the ocean, praying silently that He will not take them too.
Confusion on why my oldest son is not there.
Grief as I look at the empty plane seat next to me.
Riding the Merry-Go-Round, feeling a little bit like the sad clown.
The loathing I feel watching a mother yanking her child's arm while screaming at her.
The envy of the family who is utterly joyful.
The feeling of being glad to be home.
The compassion for the family that was on a Make a Wish Vacation.
The annoyance I feel for other peoples children. Why aren't they teaching them better manners, anyway?
The emptiness I feel and the way my heart aches.
The way a word can make you relive the worst moment of your life.
The way an email can trigger a conversation that you wish you never had.
The way a text from someone you love makes you wish things were different.
The ability to see the type of people my children will one day become and the pride and joy that goes with that.
The amazement that you can fit that many people in such a small area.
The irony of being preached at through films about conservation and saving the Earth by a company that does everything in excess and literally has a parade made of lights.
The joy I feel at the seeing the characters I have loved for so many years.
The happiness I feel knowing my children are happy and healing.
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