I was asked recently for advice on how to cope with grief. How to rationalize and make it stop hurting so much after x amount of time. This was a very personal conversation and I wish to not take away from it. But it made me think of the things I wish someone had said to me. This may not flow as well as it should, given it was a response to specific questions/situations, but I think you can follow along. It made me think maybe someone else needed to hear it... so here it is, paraphrased and edited for privacy.
Ok, so first of all - You are not crazy. So stop worrying about that. Grief makes us think we are. It is a raw emotion.
Unfortunately, 3 1/2 years later, I still don't have a good answer for you on how to cope, or how to get through. I cope, just one day at a time... I go days and can muster through, sometimes there are really good days and then other times, I can't get out of bed. I cry and wail and scream and hate and cry and love and am a huge disaster. A huge ugly ball of mess. I search for meaning in everything. But, it's all part of it. You can't love someone so entirely, have them mean so very much and then just one day be ok with them being gone, being out of your life. They were too important, too special, too meaningful for it to be easy and pretty.
Honestly, I can't believe that there isn't a heaven. There is. There is a connection between the worlds. It is real. Dreams where we get to see our loved one again and they tell us something meaningful can mean two things - either they are speaking to you directly, telling you exactly all of the things you hear them saying in your dream, or you are telling yourself those things, because it was all the things you know in your heart that person would be saying to you. Either way, its their voice. Don't belittle it. It was meant to comfort you. Embrace that. But every time we "feel" the presence of someone that has left, it leaves us wanting more, and it makes us (or me anyway) go through the loss a little bit again. I am grateful for the time, but its so bittersweet.
Grief does not have a definite beginning and end date. It is a lifetime process. It never goes away, unfortunately. I truly believe that our loved ones go to a better place. One without suffering or pain. But that doesn't make us miss them any less. It doesn't fill the void they left behind. It doesn't stop the hurt.
In times of turmoil, we think of the person we are missing even more. But the truth is, our futures are always uncertain. That doesn't change, just our perception of it does. The only way I have survived is to keep breathing. Even when the air in my lungs hurts. Even when it stabs my chest. It is the only requirement. Give it 24 hours.. and then another and then another. Until it doesn't hurt so much. And forgive yourself for whatever it is that you think you shouldn't forgive yourself for. You are doing a wonderful job being you. You are amazing. And it is ok to cry and be a wreck. And then you pick yourself back up and try again. Sometimes through vulnerability we build strength.
