Snippets

Last week we went to Florida. We did six parks and the beach while we were there. It was rewarding and exhausting. We had planned this trip for five in January. Only four of us made the trip. It was necessary for us to go as our younger children never questioned whether or not we would. It was time we needed to have new experiences and bond again as a family. It was extremely painful.

In a land that is built on imagination and ideas, where everything is made to look like a book, a movie, or an idea. It took me by surprise that I would find everything there so much more surreal. That life is wacky and crazy and twists and turns and is not what you expect. But there, it is safe.  In real life, not so much.  Existing in the imagination world when life already feels like make believe, in an imminent doom sort of way, really messed with my head. So much so that I am not sure I can write about it well. So I am choosing to do one to two sentence snippets to describe what I saw and what I felt. I reserve the right to revisit one of these thoughts at a later date. I hope you understand.

The enjoyment of being away from home.

Standing on a beach, looking at the vastness of the ocean.  Feeling small and insignificant.

Watching my children’s eyes light up with joy and fascination at silliest of things.

Being able to be silly and laugh.

Wondering how a 4000 lb mammal can reach such high speeds and fly out of the water.

The amazement at all the animals God has put on this Earth and how they are instinctive by nature.

The adoration I feel for my children when I look at their faces.

The exhaustion at the end of the day.

The hope that I wont forget a single moment.

The respect and amazement at the amount of work that is put into a cartoon.

The repulsion from overhearing the way people speak to one another.

The thrill that I still feel in the pit of my stomach.

The sadness that devours my smile.

Standing at It’s a Small World and feeling like an alien, not only among the characters but among the humans.

Fascinated with the details that people put into their work for the delight of others.

The exhaustion that occurs while trying not to cry.

The pain and relief that come with the tears.

Impressed with how many times I can say no without freaking out.

Admiration for the ease in which children make new friends.

Trying to squelch the panic that forms around my heart and in my stomach as I watch my children play in the ocean, praying silently that He will not take them too.

Confusion on why my oldest son is not there.

Grief as I look at the empty plane seat next to me.

Riding the Merry-Go-Round, feeling a little bit like the sad clown.

The loathing I feel watching a mother yanking her child's arm while screaming at her.

The envy of the family who is utterly joyful.  

The feeling of being glad to be home.

The compassion for the family that was on a Make a Wish Vacation.

The annoyance I feel for other peoples children. Why aren't they teaching them better manners, anyway?

The emptiness I feel and the way my heart aches.

The way a word can make you relive the worst moment of your life.

The way an email can trigger a conversation that you wish you never had.

The way a text from someone you love makes you wish things were different.

The ability to see the type of people my children will one day become and the pride and joy that goes with that.

The amazement that you can fit that many people in such a small area.

The irony of being preached at through films about conservation and saving the Earth by a company that does everything in excess and literally has a parade made of lights.

The joy I feel at the seeing the characters I have loved for so many years.

The happiness I feel knowing my children are happy and healing.