Back to School

Today is a sad day. Now, you are probably thinking to yourself that you are sensing a theme… But today would be a sad day for me in a year when my oldest son did not die. Today was the first day of school. I am extremely upset that our school board decided to start school the 12^th of August, but that is not why this is sad, nor can I complain about it anymore today. The first day of school is a time of turmoil for me. It is joyous to see kids excited to go back to school, to feel that this year might be good, to see new shoes and school supplies all lined up, but to me it is always depressing. It makes me realize how old my children are getting, how much I have not accomplished, how much I had planned on doing, how much I have failed in that plan and how much there is left to do with the realization that it will probably never get done. I realize that the little children that I rocked in my arms, that crawled around on my floors are growing up, that they need me less and less each year. My own feelings of inadequacy in preparing them for the real world set in as well, and make today extremely difficult.  There is the realization that at some point, my house will not be filled with children laughing; gone will be the days of them crawling up on my lap and snuggling in tight. And I am not ready for those days to be gone. I want to hang on, at least just a little bit longer. While I love the stages that they are at, it makes me sad that the littleness of them is gone. And I panic that I may not have done what needs to be done in order for them to be successful, well adjusted, well rounded adults. I feel the pressure of time beating like a heartbeat. Time passes too quickly and I need it to slow down. I feel as if I can’t keep up, it’s just moving too fast for me. And this year, is sadder still. It would have been difficult enough realizing Austin was an adult now and starting a completely new phase of his life, but it would have been filled with plans for college and life. Now there is just a gaping hole where all those plans used to be. There is no dorm room survival list, no college books to order, no planning and worry about how he will do away at college, no curiosity of where that journey will take him.  And that does not ease the pain of the day.