Relax..No really, Relax.

It’s been a few weeks. Time seems to be passing, although nothing seems to change. I feel unable to express myself. I feel drugged, heavy minded, incoherent. There seems to be no time to feel. There are these moments of lucidity that hurt like hell. But the rest of the time, it’s just going through the motions - get up, go to work, take kids here, go there, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed, start over, try not to think of what was lost, why I am now doing things differently. There doesn’t seem to be time to let go enough to figure out how I feel, other than always knowing that I am carrying a huge boulder around in my heart.

I have always had trouble expressing myself, or talking about things that affect me. I tend to internalize things to the extreme. My massage therapist gets frequent visits because of the amount of tension I carry with me on a daily basis. I had been seeing a physical therapist for some knee problems. I previously saw her for the pinched nerve in my neck. She said to me, “It seems to me your real problem is that your muscles do not release the tension like they should.” I laughed and told her I think that described me perfectly.  My knee doctor says to me “Okay, relax your leg,” I say “It is relaxed.”  He says, “No, really relax your knee.” I tried to explain that this was as relaxed as it was gonna get, and he said, “Well, I think we found your real problem.” I don’t know how to release on a normal day.  And this is too great for me to even attempt. I cant “release” this. I cant let it go, I cant even tap into it. There is never enough time for me to break down because I cant just pick it back up and put it back together and go to work from there. In the mornings, while everyone is asleep, I sit in his room. And just sit. Trying to feel him yet avoid everything at the same time. Once I start to feel, I get up and get ready for work. Its really not a good way to start the day, but it doesn’t work better at bed time. And pretty much everything in between is filled with work or taking care of kids or the other thousand errands I need to do. I can not have a twenty minute cry and be over it. At some point this is going to come back and bite me. And I am ready for it when it does. Until then, its hard enough just to breathe.