Fear

I feel like I am running out of things to say. Unable to find new words to describe my pain and confusion. But the days do not change or get any easier. Time seems to be suspended while flying by at the same time. I have no idea how this can happen, it is beyond my comprehension.
I read a blog today that made me cry, not as if that is a difficult task these days. This poor soul had lost two children within two years of each other. I can not possibly imagine how you could continue waking up in the morning. But it is something I fear everyday. I asked the question a couple weeks ago, "What is left to fear, if the thing you fear most has come true?" I didn't know the answer then, but I do now. What is left to fear is that you will have to continue to live it everyday forever. Or that something worse may happen. Its hard to believe there is something worse, but there always is. And I worry constantly there is more to come.An optimist might feel that if the worst has happened, there is nothing left to fear. That you should brave the world knowing you have walked through hell and are still here. That your job is not done yet, so hold that head up and carry on. I am somewhere in the middle. I feel this fire underneath me feeling like I need to shout out at the world and run bravely forward and throw all worries away, let God deal with them. And then I collapse again. Feeling vulnerable and small and like the world is on my shoulders and I can not hold it. Perhaps I am at a crossroads and only time will tell which path I choose. I pray for the strength to be able to run, to carry on. But I am not so sure God is listening right now, or taking any requests from me.