A long, long road

Dreaming can be so hellish, so bizarre and so enlightening. 

I was driving on the interstate, all alone, it was very dark. No other cars on the road but me. I had my phone in my hand, and I was crying. I was thinking of my son and how much I missed him, really lost in the emotion and grief. I dialed the phone, like I've done one thousand times before. I just needed to hear his voice again. I heard his voice mail pick up, I cried harder, knowing he would never answer it again. Then my phone rang. It was one of his friends. I am not sure which one. They  told me they had just talked to Austin and he needed me to go pick him up and he wanted them to make sure they told me he was ok. I do not remember where the "place" was or how far away, only that it was a considerable distance. It would take me a significant time to get there. I cried and cried. I couldn't figure out why his friend would say this to me? They are such good kids, it would not be likely for them to hurt me like that. I called his phone again, there was no answer. But I couldn't ignore the feeling that I needed to go. What if?  

So I drove and drove and drove, for hours, I drove. I was absolutely exhausted. I was a little ashamed that I was being so irrational as to drive so far for something I knew couldn't be true. But I still don't believe the current truth, so who is to tell me I am irrational? When I got to the destination I was given, it was a gas station (Heaven is a gas station?). I pull in, and there are people I know there, but they are not surprised to see me, as if I was just bumping into them at our local gas station. Good friends, casual ones now, but once really good, close friends. They smiled and nodded, but I didn't want to talk to them, I just wanted to get to my son! The gas station had really cheap gas, and was ultra bright. Bright, in a way that football field lights light up a stadium and everything around it. I parked my car and then I was in a really bright white room, just an ordinary square white room. Austin was there, and I got to hug him and touch him. It felt so good. So pure. So absolutely real. I still feel that today. He said, "Madre, I'm ok, it's really all right. It's good here." And he smiled his beautiful smile and held out his hand and said, "You can come with me if you really wanna." I held his hand. In that moment there was comfort, and peace and all was right in the world. Then I realized I had stuff to do still, that my family needed me. I thought of each of my children and my fiance. I hesitated. I couldn't leave them behind. And then he was gone. 

Of course now, I am still aching with loss and grieving for my young man who doesn't get to go forward, doesn't get to do all the things he was supposed to do. For just those few brief moments, I felt at peace. I felt absolute happiness for the first time. I  woke up a few minutes later. I was so so sad, and so happy all at once. I got to feel him, see him, touch him, but he was still gone. I also felt like I knew what really happened. I felt like I knew this for sure, like I had been there and it wasn't so bad. Now those good feelings of peace and relief are fading and I am unsure of what I felt or thought I knew, but it felt really good for a moment. I feel like he really was here.

I should feel better that he told me he was ok. It doesn't make me miss him less, or want him back any less, but I really do feel like he is at peace and he needed to tell me that. It was the kind of kid he was. There are a million things that I can take from this. There are a lot of funny anecdotes that fit in well here. Like how he said he would haunt us if anything ever happened to him. We had that type of sense of humor. But what I really felt was this incredible feeling of peace that I have not felt before or since his passing. You can rationalize that my subconscious is trying to quiet my mind, that I need to feel at peace with things, and that it is survival mode. But my mind does not like to be quieted, it really doesn't seem to care whether I need to get through something or not. It likes to find the truth. It digs and obsesses and analyzes until it uncovers the truth. It does not listen to things like that, so this to me is an unreasonable answer. Whether it be my subconscious or it be my son, or it be God, he told me he was ok. And he told me that he would be there waiting for me when my road ended. It may take me a long time to get there. It may be dark and scary and cold. But in the end, he will be there, and really its just a short amount of time. I could choose to live and take care of the people that take care of me or I could walk with him now. I know what he was trying to tell me. And I feel it. And I know now he did know how much I loved him. Still, my heart breaks.