Happy, Shiny People? I think Not.

Today, I was told that I should remember that I have two other kids and should crawl out of my hole. I am absolutely infuriated by this. Why? I know I have two other kids. And I love them as much as I loved my oldest. I worry about them constantly and smother them with hugs and kisses, I try to make their lives as normal as possible during the saddest time of our lives. And it has only been a short time, 39 days. We are continuing to live as hard as that is. Going to work and school and after school activities. I don't take well to being told how I should feel or how I should act.  But people that speak to me in this way, really just do not know. They don't know who I am or how I love or live, they don't know the absolute torture that losing a child brings. They don't know the guilt that comes with that, that you have somehow failed to save your child from this fate. That you tried, but you failed. And by saying you need to remember your other children, it puts me on the defense, and strikes my core fear that I am not a good enough mother. Is that what they meant? No, probably not. I should probably be the better person and forgive them, but right now, I am too angry. But it also lead me to the core of  my point that until now I was able to grasp. What  I want to get across to everyone is this: You matter, your feelings matter, tell someone how you feel, because you are worth it. You have impacted someones life in a way that changed them forever. Don't push down the sad, depressing thoughts to placate someone else. If my son had not tried to put on a happy face then maybe he would be here today. Because we would have seen. But I taught him how to do this. I taught him how to laugh and smile and joke when the pain is deep inside. I taught him not to let people in to help. I didn't mean to. But I did. And so for someone to tell me to post happy thoughts, I say "Screw you." Life is not always happy, but we go on. Life goes on. And it is okay to cry, to be sad, to miss, to mourn. And its okay to laugh and smile and have fun. Life goes on. But don't try to hide the way you feel, don't lock it up inside and throw away the key. Don't do that. The risk is too great. I spent my life dodging feelings and connections. The price was higher than I ever imagined.