Happiest Place On Earth

In December/January we planned a trip to Disney. Five tickets. This was going to be our last family vacation before Austin left for college. There might be more, but not while we were all in the same house, none ever quite the same.Now, nothing is ever going to be the same. How can we still go? I have asked myself this a thousand times. And I know the answers, I understand them. My two children never questioned whether we would go. This is for them. The 4 of us need this vacation. We need to have a little fun. We need to get away from here. From daily life. We need to be together and make some new memories, some happy memories. But how can we go to the happiest place on earth when life is so unhappy? When we can barely breathe in? The answer is because we have to.Life goes on, whether we want it to or not. Because there are 2 beautiful, wonderful, funny children who didn't ask for this misery. Who need to know it's ok for them to live and enjoy life even I feel incapable of doing that. This is for them. And we will gain from it as well.
I have an eternal struggle raging . Do we grab life by the horns & live to the fullest with the weighty knowledge that today could be our last day? Or do we cautiously enter the world, knowing it's full of pain and sorrow, trying to minimize the pain as much as possible? Feeling the pressure from every angle? For my children, I want them to LIVE! Feel it all, taste it, experience it, love it passionately and let go of their anger and pain. I currently do not feel capable of fully grasping and engaging this philosophy. I still feel like I'm walking through hell. And while I feel like I am doing the best things I can for my kids, I make mistakes. And right now, I am not trusting my parenting so much. All along, I thought I was making mistakes, but overall, doing ok. And now, I am not sure that belief holds true.