Personally, this doesn't bode well for the rest of my life. Right now I seem to be suffering from writers block. As a rule, since my oldest son died, I have posted on his wall every night. But in the last week, I seem to have nothing new to say. I am suffering from no new prospective. So I suppose I will start at the beginning. Well, really the end of life as we knew it, but the beginning of the rest of our life.
35, Divorced, 3 kids, 17, 11, and 8. Beautiful, happy kids. Living with a wonderful man, who was able to break through my barriers, not let me bullshit him and love me for who I am.
My oldest son, was a funny and caring kid, who was bright and witty. He loved playing football and soccer. He didn't get straight As, but things came naturally for him and he was happy with a 3.0 average. He was accepted to Bradley University and Arizona State University. We were waiting to hear back from University of Minnesota. But he was fairly sure he wanted to go to Bradley. We were waiting for the financial package to come back to lock in a decision, but he found the campus comfortable and they had a great Computer Science program. Wednesday night, he attended his younger brother's middle school play where he received an "Inspiring Person" Award. His brother had nominated him for this award. He was his hero. My two sons stood in front of the community and I sat in the uncomfortable folding chair in the hot, smelly gym and cried. I was so proud. So proud that out of all of the people in the world that he could choose to lean on and look up to, it was his older brother. And so proud that his older brother was someone worth looking up to. After the play, we filled out scholarship applications and we talked about his achievements. That night he left to go to his dads and that was the last time I saw him alive.
Thursday night is YMCA night, where as part of our new regimen of healthier living and increased activity, I take my younger two to karate while I work out. I picked up the phone to call my oldest son to see if he wanted to go with. And then I put it back down. He was recovering from an injury and I was afraid he would overdo it. I will never know if that call would have saved his life. The police and coroner ruled it an accident, but whether he meant to go through with it or not, I will never know. I will never know. But I never saw anything that would have even made him attempt something like that. Never. Never did I see that coming.
The high school held a memorial for him the Sunday before the visitation. My son had no idea how many lives he impacted. How many days he improved, how many people loved him. So part of my "new" life is for me to start to realize how much we all impact others. That we are all connected and what you say today may make the difference in someones life.
I will eventually explain more, but right now that's all I can do.
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