Unwell

Matchbox 20s "Unwell" keeps looping through my mind. It's strange how music changes meaning during certain times in your life. And how music is a constant. But my thoughts today are not really about music but about how unwell I feel. How pain & grief wash over me when I least expect it. How a person so young can be everywhere I go and in everything I do. How the world is so changed now. How ugly things like stretch marks can be so beautiful now. And how sunny days aren't as bright.
Someone said to me the other day they were surprised I could function. Honestly, so am I. My thoughts are unfocused, my brain is numb, my body doesn't know what the hell is going on, my faith is angry, and I just feel unwell. I continue to function but that's it. And then there are times when the clouds part and intense feelings of pain and loss wash over me and envelop me for a long time. I obsess about every single moment of his life and then stutter on several moments torturing myself with no reprieve in sight. And then, I'm working on a girl scout project or making dinner for my family, or checking in with someone to make sure they are doing ok and remember I love them and am here for them, or just trying to remember what I am forgetting. Grief is an odd thing. It's exhausting. It's excruciating. And it's constant. But life just goes on. Whether we want it to or not.